Thirty years ago, Kathy Parker met the love of her life, an Army Veteran who served in Vietnam. After years of taking on life’s adventures together, Kathy and her husband took on a new challenge after learning of his stage four kidney failure. Read her letter to other caregivers about how VA and the Caregiver Support Program are helping her and her Veteran during their time of need.

Dear Fellow Caregivers,

Our story of love and dedication began nearly 30 years ago. We were both older adults, returning to college, seeking a degree in computer science. One evening, I was on my way to the computer lab and he asked if I needed help with my computer program.

That was a standard “pick-up” line and I had learned to “just say no” and keep moving. However, it was something different about him, and I said, “yes.” He was handsome, smart, witty and made me laugh. I had no idea he would be my forever guy. Our connection was instant and we were inseparable.

Kathy Parker, a participant in the Caregiver Support Program, and "her Vet"

Kathy Parker and “her Vet”

My Vet had just recently retired after 25 years in the military, and we were together for eight years before we decided to marry. We never looked back through the challenges of life. Our love and commitment were lasting.

We loved traveling and cruising. It was on a cruise ship at the very top of the boat where he proposed to me. We roller-skated, fished, camped, and built computers. My Vet was a small aircraft pilot and we would go on short-distance flights.

Foster parents for over 100 children

We decided to settle down and buy a home. We found an article stating there was an urgent need for people to open their homes to foster abused and neglected children. We both were on board and became foster parents. For 13 years, over 100 children stayed in our home. Eventually, God made plans for us to adopt. We received a call to pick up a two-day-old baby girl at the hospital. We fell in love with that bundle of joy at first sight.

My Vet was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes several years before retiring from the military. We never fully understood the toll this disease takes on the body. He was also diagnosed with high blood pressure and an enlarged heart valve. He looked and felt great outside, but his kidneys were slowly failing inside.

As the years passed, my Vet began having trouble keeping his blood sugars and blood pressure in range. They were always high to the point he would say, “I feel better being ‘high’ than low.” His doctor suggested that he transition to insulin. After several years on insulin, the doctors struggled to find the proper medication to lower his blood sugar numbers. His kidneys were quietly shutting down and his body began to show the effects.

Stage IV kidney failure

One day, I noticed a bruise on his face. He said he blacked out in the bathroom and bumped against something. I noticed he began to tire quickly and was noticeably irritated. While visiting a neighbor, he stated he felt faint and could barely make it home. The next day, we went to VA urgent care, and they sent him to the nearest hospital in an ambulance.

He never fully recovered. A couple of years later, we were informed he was in stage IV kidney failure. I did not know about the kidney disease and felt he was keeping this from me. I vowed to go to all his appointments to be his eyes and ears, primarily advocating for him.

He was assigned a nephrologist, who told him his current and long-term options. He had already decided that dialysis would never be an option so we began finding and preparing for a kidney transplant. Meanwhile, as each month passed, his health deteriorated rapidly. My Vet could barely walk and was no longer able to perform daily personal grooming.

He was not in pain. It was me who was hurting, confused, afraid and alone. I was hurting because my Vet was dying slowly and no one seemed to care. I was confused and afraid because I thought VA would take my Vet away to a nursing home if I didn’t figure out how to take care of him. I was alone because no one had any answers to my questions or returned my calls for help.

VA doctor said he would get him the help he needed

He asked me to take him to VA urgent care. My daughter and I almost needed to carry him to the car. He was so weak. I just knew he was never coming home again. My heart was breaking into pieces. When I thought I was at the end, God turned that entire situation around and gave me hope.

The doctor walked in, assessed the problem, and told me he planned to get my Vet the help he would need by admitting him to the hospital. He assured me he would get the help he desperately needed. While waiting to be transferred to the hospital, a social worker let me know she would be talking to me later.

After a few days, they released my Vet from the hospital. A member of the Caregiver Support Program (CSP) contacted me, and I was on the phone with this God-send angel for over two hours. She listened to me, understood my pain, and promised to speak to the necessary people to get us help. She followed up with me, stayed in touch and explained how CSP could help me.

She signed me up for a couple of programs. I never thought about myself in this process. I only focused on my Vet and his well-being. I was so overwhelmed with caring for my Vet I did not want to commit too much, still not realizing they were there to help, not to pressure me.

Fellow caregivers: “Hang on!”

I began getting random text messages from “Annie,” a tool sending encouragement and affirmations. I signed up for a few classes through Caregivers FIRST and began learning about self-care, how to alleviate stress through breathing, setting goals and tips and ideas to get my Vet to change or improve behaviors.

CSP also matched me with a Peer Mentor from the Peer Support Mentoring program. My mentor is the perfect match for me. She’s a gift from God.

We soon began to get the right equipment that my Vet needed to stay in our home and help me better manage his care. I can’t begin to express my gratitude for CSP’s resources. My wish is to increase awareness and funding for this amazing program.

In closing, my fellow caregivers, the struggle is real. So are the feelings of abandonment we experience when no one seems to care and those thoughts of just giving up. Hang on. There’s a fantastic group of individuals in CSP that are there for us. They will throw you a lifeline and not let go.

I’m blessed to be connected to this amazing group of individuals.

Sincerely,
Kathy Parker

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5 Comments

  1. Bettie B. Jones July 20, 2022 at 6:52 pm

    I believe I’m beginning to travel the same road that many of you are traveling. We have been married 63 wonderful years, and in the past year a lot of things have changed. I’m not sure what to ask for or who to talk to; but I’m reaching out. I am open to suggestions. I will contact the CPS. Your notes were resourceful and encouraging. Thank you

  2. Margie Segovia July 17, 2022 at 11:02 am

    What a great story and so encouraging. .

  3. Michele Bretz July 15, 2022 at 9:12 pm

    Today, I got a call from a friend who referred one of his childhood friends to me. She was a caregiver for a Vietnam Veteran and was at her wits end in getting him help since he had dementia and all the classic symptoms of Agent Orange. I gave her local resources and explained the various procedures her vet would be going through and how to respond. After he undergoes his procedure, we will work on accessing the computer for more information.

  4. Mrs. U. Flores July 15, 2022 at 7:21 pm

    I totally agree with the network of care.
    I also found additional assistance through The EasterSeals and working with a Neurologist, Geriatric Psychiatrist and Pharmacist for my husband’s Vascular Dementia .

    It takes time to advocate for your spouse and navigate the network.

  5. PBMinger July 14, 2022 at 11:25 pm

    I feel the same. The past year We’ve had such good help though the Caregiver Program and meet some very nice people

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